The Sanam Shaadi Saga (Day 3)

Welcome back to our regularly scheduled blog post, with its host, yours truly, feeling better and much more hydrated after figuring out the super scary leg swelling episode of death is seemingly just related to being dehydrated. I've never had puffiness like this before but hey, what a fine way to wake up, feeling great!

Upon waking I had a fruit that was grown in Ravi's house called sitapal (sugar apple) which I had as a nice little snack before I showered and got ready for the day

Happy Diwali! What a wonderful feeling. I can sense the joy and electricity in the air and after having a refreshing bath I met my surrogate family for breakfast in which they served some of the most delicious vada I've had the opportunity to taste with a nut based chutney and now a spicy tomato chutney. Each bite was met with a crispy exterior of fried besan (flour type) with the soft sumptuous flavor of the dough inside with its mixture of spices. Accompanying these doughnut shaped delicacies is some ghee rice. Carb alert! My carb intake has spiked exponentially but its just for a  few weeks, so might as well enjoy!

After having a belly full of food it was time to venture out to do some serious shopping.

We piled into the car with Ravi's mom and dad (my Aatma & Mamaya), and two sisters. It was a little bit of a longer drive. I still have no sense of direction as we navigate the city, only knowing where I am near someplace familiar by landmarks. Some of the shops have funny names like 'Crazy Men Fashion" and "Big C, you can't resist temptation" which that last one is apparently a mobile phone store.

We reach a jeweler's shop that is small compared to the grand mall like one's I've seen closer to my home. The gentlemen inside seem to know Ravi's mom. If I understood correctly she has been shopping here for some time. The way most of the shopping goes is my family-to-be sits down and starts asking for things which get displayed in front of me. Then someone usually realizes there's some language barrier and will ask me do you like this? Its for (insert event here). Usually I have some idea in advance of what I'm shopping for, but they will explain its meaning a little bit and more about recent fashions versus traditions. It's educational! We started looking at a mandatory necklace for the wedding called kasulaperu, which I've linked to a random google search store that will give you some idea what these look like. The other necklace that is okay to wear, or sometimes combined with this is called temple jewely.

So after looking at 5 or 6 designs a beautiful temple necklace with matching earrings came with a unique red finish to it (so I learned 22k gold can take on the look of what color you polish it with so it can have a hint of black, red, or just be very yellow) I try it on and something clicks. It's a little unique, and Ravi tells me, "don't worry if you like this kind, we can take kasulaperu next year or some other time but this one looks really good." I feel so happy that this is how I feel too and a lot of my decisions, though they are mine, are also in similar taste with his family too.

As we think about settling on this temple necklace, I also start checking out gold chains to wear the mangalsutra in the marriage ceremony. I'm still a little unclear on how this works. I think It's about having 1 "coin" and having another joined when Ravi will tie it on my neck. I will find out soon enough. Ravi's mom had the men at the store take a picture of hers and has ordered a similar design, which seems to be the tradition, to carry on the similar design from generation to generation. I feel honored to be bestowed with the responsibility of such a tradition.

As this is going on, a man from the store shows up with a new selection of items. Ravi explained to me that they have a network with the other stores and can show up with new models to try to tempt you into buying more or changing your mind. The way everyone whispers and goes back in forth in negotiation and such really reminds me of what it was like sitting with my parents in America as they were buying a car. There would be some initial viewing knowing in the back of your mind what you want, a dance between customer and salesman; no perhaps a swordfight. Each offer, counter offer, and escalation taking a jab at each other going back and forth.

Eventually all was said and done and everyone seemed pleased. This was such a serious affair but I was able to sneak a picture. This might easily be about $200,000 USD in jewelry. The bottom right diamond with ruby was $16,000 when we asked. It's mind boggling how many stores like this one, and even bigger, completely dot the landscape wherever you go, almost the way Starbucks is in America. Buying gold is so ingrained to the culture here and part of important rituals and auspiscious times that I see an economy built on such practices and for better or for worse its a big driver here.

After spending a little over our budget, and me experiencing the shock and awe of buying gold, we went out to eat to fill our tummies after working so hard. We went to Hotel Grand Swagath. Many of the hotels and restaurants here are combined. Ravi tells me that eating out wasn't a very common thing and the way to do it was to go to these hotels who also have restaurants and takeaways. I have only seen a few stand alone restaurants not coupled with a hotel here which explains why people call restaurants hotels back in America.

It was interesting being served as we ordered szechuan fried rice, paneer tikka masala, dal, roti, rice.. Everyone was eating with their hands and I was eating with a fork like a tacky American simply because I usually do this at a restaurant. In Seattle I eat with my hands at an Indian restaurant but this seemed so, not like that so I felt a little embarassed inside but really enjoyed the paneer. Somehow that curry was so rich it almost had a bacon like taste. I was impressed by vegetarian food and that doesn't happen often. One thing to note that was a little different from restaurants back in the US is that at the end of a meal a nice little rinse of water for cleaning your hands is brought in a bowl.

After our meal we joined up with Ravi's sisters and nieces at APR Gardens where our marriage function will take place. We got to check out the large outdoor area where the decorations and main event will be held. It was very grand and has a nice indoor space to the right of the main area for the food and on the left hand side there are rooms for the bridal party to get ready in. The rooms on the top floor seemed much better than the ground floor. The ground floor room smelled a little like mildew and urine. At least they have western restrooms so its easier to get ready, we will manage! Overall I think its actually going to be beautiful and amazing and everything you want your wedding to be, this was just seeing the backbone that will jump to life with decorations and people and food and such.

That evening we switched cars so I went with the girls gang somewhere out far near the airport to a ladies house who is a tailor and good friends with Ravi's sister. Her house is very grand on the bottom floor with large wooden doors and brass handles. Its surrounded by a gate which, as we were trying to get our measurements taken for our saree blouses, a monkey was running around. Deekshita and Nandini were having fun laughing at seeing it running around. After my measurements I needed to stretch my legs after sitting through so much shopping and eating so we took a quick walk around the house. The young girls and I were on the dusty road seeing kids play with fireworks of all types. Sparklers, firecrackers, even the ones that shoot up into the sky. Its amazing - in America you need a pyrotechnics license for those and they are banned in many places. Here you might see a 5 year old playing with them. As I was taking in my surroundings a big pig ran by us rushing into the bushes looking for something tasty to eat. It's complete sensory overload with bangs and booms, smells and sounds, and rainbows of color from shopping and stitching.

After all of the girls got the services they needed we returned home, stopping at a bus depot where we picked up Ravi. He had bags and bags full of fireworks that we would be lighting off at my house. He picked them up at a wholesale place. We drove back to my surrogate home with so many crackers (Indianism for fireworks) bursting in the air, on the ground, inbetween cars and bikes, and everywhere inbetween.

After taking care of some urgent business and reminding Ravi that its important to prioritize our shopping and other work around restroom availability; India is not very convenient for ladies, so you either get dehydrated with scary puffy ankles, or drink a lot and need to find stores and shops or return home between trips to.. you know.

We went downstairs with bags of fire works. I can be jumpy around loud noises and the ones we had were LOUD so I happened to have my earplugs that I wear when I'm in nightclubs with me so I wore those and actually had a fan-freaking-tastic time. All of the houses had lit diyas (oil burning pots usually made out of clay) and as the bright lights burned all around the city, we lit off fountains, and crackers, and ones that spun, even one that spun and jumped up and exploded at our friends. The boys were lighting crackers and throwing them near each other, the girls were using sparklers to light off the other fireworks.

The Sanam Shaadi Saga (Day 2)

Day 2 on this journey began somewhere around 3 and 4am. Sounds of fireworks, or "crackers" being set off by kids eager for Diwali and celebrating Choti Diwali (little Diwali) the day before. Its like there is some chain reaction of sound. From pure silence where event the crickets are sleeping, one blast makes a dog bark, a dog barking begets another dog, the dogs wake up the people whom you can hear brushing their teeth and beginning their routines, then the bikes, and the honking.

None of these sounds really get noticed by anyone, unless you happen to have just landed and are acclimating to your surroundings and really would rather be sleeping. These sounds somehow also come with  a charm. Somewhere in this time the large pigeon sleeping in the exhaust fan area of the bathroom makes his loud 'coo coo' noise and the echo into the bathroom sounds like a large cat is purring. It's actually endearing. Feeling how different it is to my home back home makes me smile. Although I'm here on a mission, enjoying the context of being a world a way from home can be a wonderful feeling. It gives you perspective on what you're doing in your own life, and gives some space to mentally relax from the typical rat race we live in.

I was able to enjoy an incredible breakfast, eggs and toast sandwhich, also with dosa and chutney. The family here has been feeding me more than I should eat and helping take care of my laundry. I have literally no worries in the world beyond whatever I need to deal with in the day. After having lunch and having some time to wait as I prepare to go shopping, I timepass with the daughter of the house keeper, Monica, who is able to speak some English and very curious about everything about this American.

Since Ravi's sister and her family landed the evening after we did, it took an extra amount of time for everyone to get rested and ready to go out in the evening. There were a few hiccups in everyone's schedule that day. For me, my right foot had swollen up like a balloon just after lunchtime.

Ravi was on his way over and looking down and seeing one giant ham for a foot when I am a world away from my own language and culture was very daunting. A strange panic set in where I connected the dots to seeing only one swollen leg, being on an airplane travelling for about a 24 hour journey, and I felt completely and utterly terrified. Truth be told, I have had panic attacks in the past, anxiety is nothing to shake a stick at, but this was amplified with a severe loneliness caused by being out of one's normal element.

To my surprise I got to experience what it was like going to see a doctor in India. Wasn't in my itinerary, but the curious part of me that stays lucid in the back of my mind while experience this panic was able to remember some of the details.

We went to a place called omni hospital and walked into a triage room. There a nice doctor tried his best with a slight lack of bedside manner that I was fine, its normal, and nothing is wrong. What he couldn't understand was the type of panic I was feeling, and despite my future sister in law asking me to be normal and not express how afraid I am, and me successfully doing so, they basically dismissed me.

I couldn't help well up in tears thinking of some of the worst possible outcomes if this was something as severe as DVT, and at the same time I had never had anything like this happen to be so I was unable to think of a simple and more probable cause such as dehydration.

After a bout of crying my soon to be family helped me talk to one more doctor after shortly waiting in a dimly lit waiting room that had a green tinge to it, I'm not sure from the lighting or the paint on the wall. The people in the waiting room seemed like patient zombies, completely attuned to whatever appointment system is taken. Somehow, luckily, I was able to skip that line. This new doctor had much better tact and empathy for my situation and explained to me nicely about how edema in the legs work. He gave some tablets that I'm still unsure of (Enzoheal, for digestion or edema, if you google it, you be the judge.), assured me I was safe to walk around, exist, sleep, etc and sent me on my way. I took an ACE bandage to wrap in compression around my right leg to help keep the swelling down.

With being somewhat assured and still acclimating, we decided to take advantage of some of the time that evening and went shopping at Mehbaz. This is a multi tiered store with Ladies wear on the first floor and gents above.

We were checking on some of their special half sarees, but it seems they need a very long lead time for the stitching of such things. We then looked into special sarees. It was here several people worked to take sarees from their shelves and lay them in front of us at a table where we all sat, enjoying some water (and I with my bottled water.) One after the other, different designs and colors were displayed in front of us, one beautiful saree at war with the next trying to be the lucky one who is chosen by very specific and detail oriented purchasers.

I selected one that I wanted to try on, with a lighter georgette type material, and two ladies wearing identical sarees slipped a velctro belt on me to act as my "petticoat" to try this on. I was mezmerized watching the one in front of me pleat the waist section, tucking it into the belt first, then wrapping the rest around me, as the other lady quickly created the pleats in the pallu and in about 15 seconds I was already dressed. Now that's efficient! And as I looked in the mirror, something was slightly missing. I took my hair out of my ponytail and heard a few "wow!"s coming from everyone involved in this affair. I think I had found a winner.

The next selection was to be made for a pattu saree made from kanchevaram silk. Commonly known as kanchepattu, these are usually two to three colors in rich, decadant silk that can be a little heavier, with dramatic pallus to fall over your shoulder, with the silk sometimes being tied off in little intervals to act as decoration.

I am trying to make these selections across a language barrier and with some translation so I was able to point to a color I could see and request they bring the pattu sarees in that color. Throughout this whole shopping process, again I am finding my future mother and law and I have similar taste. The final selection came down to two very similar sarees but with inverted colors. I'm intentionally leaving the specifics out so the photos of the wedding events will reveal the true detail of these clothing items.

I picked something more decadant than I thought, but I think it will just be elegant and amazing for our engagement. I'm very excited to see how it will be. We took those, and a jewelry set Ravi spotted to match, and decided to use Vodhina's (sister in laws) tailor for the blouse stitching.

After returning home, I felt accomplished in shopping but still very scared about the events and very isolated. I felt afraid to be alone. Everyone was very understanding, and very tired with their schedules being mixed up for the flurry of events happening, so they agreed to let Ravi come work over here and keep an eye on me while I slept. It made me feel so much better. And beyond just that, the way my future family is interacting with me and taking care of me is giving me a piece of mind that I wouldn't have had otherwise, so slowly I have been able to calm down from the panic and start to really enjoy Hyderabad.

The Sanam Shaadi Saga (Day 1)

Hello, blog, its been a while. I think I have a regular frequency of writing, it just has regularly long gaps between posts!

Well in a previous post I mentioned a boyfriend, but in the last several months that has turned into me going to India to get married to him! Yay! So handling my awesome profession, my company and its events, and a wedding halfway around the world with customs I'm still learning.. it kind of drains your time and energy... At least for blogging

I'm sitting here in Hyderabad with some incredible weather documenting my trip as best as possible. Not sure how that will go when the hectic parts of the wedding festivities come to light but lets see!

I've nearly published a wedding website and made a Facebook page. I can only imagine what future generations might think reading something like this, and how our parents and generations before them never had the opportunity to do such a thing with technology.

Ravi and I left Seattle with a connection in Dubai, then right on to Hyderabad. The plane ride was fairly uneventful but after sitting for 14 hours one might call it a pain ride. Our ears somehow survived the droning engines, inaudible Arabic announcements (Emirates flight) and screaming children. With great relief and a bit of a long wait, we made it through customs and met Ravi's mom, dad, and niece at the airport.

There's a big language barrier but I could feel all of the emotions that one might expect when parents first meet the future bride of their son. There is a hint of excitement and love and caring behind the anxiety and apprehension. His niece was shy, not very talkative despite messaging me on facebook, but seeing her smile when she saw us come out from the airport told me enough. This is a very happy family and I feel so incredible lucky and excited to become a part of it!

Upon getting into the car with Ravi and Nandini, I naturally out of habit to try to put on my seatbelt. I am struggling to find the second part that you put the latch into, when Ravi turns around from the front and tells me, "This is India, don't worry about it!" Its funny how those habits form and you don't even realize it.

The ride to Ravi's friends house which will be the official bridal house in our affairs is maybe 30 minutes from the airport. There's little traffic on the road, nor traffic lines and its about 4AM. I see lines of stalls and shops and very few people out at this hour. I can imagine how it will be once people are awake. I see lots of palm trees that remind me of my home on the island. I wonder if this in a weird way feels like home away from home.

We arrive and climb 4 flights of stairs with luggage to my new temporary home in India. It's owned by Kotesh garu, one of Ravi's school friends who has been so gracious to host me. They have set aside my own room and bathroom and his wife and sister (i need to check if I understood the relationship right) are here as well. They help me feel comfortable as they talk with Ravi and his family and catch up. I notice Ravi's dad fall asleep in the chair. I realize I should sleep too so I napped for a few hours. The excitemen to of being here kept me awake and I felt ready for adventure.

I realized I had missed the sounds and smells, honking bikes, kids, pigeons, people using their restrooms, some masjid in the far off distance, chai walla selling coffee and chai at the break of dawn, dogs barking. It's a cacophony of sensory information that can be almost overwhelming if you're unfamiliar with it. Coming from a different country it seems so different, yet it is simply the way of life here. I feel lucky I had visited India before, it has definitely prepared me for the next month ahead.

Its my first time visiting the south here, and I see differences, but they are subtle and hard to describe. For an American its like comparing New York to LA, or Seattle to Portland. Each are very different cities with very unique characteristics, but the way of life in all of them are relatively similar. I'm sure with more exposure I'll find a more tangible way to describe these.

After securing what I hope is a good supply of water (avoiding travellers tummy) and having a few winks of sleep, I'm able to dress up and be ready to go outside. Some small anxiety is there but mostly excitement. I also somehow managed to not pack my hairbrush. This is an utter disaster if you're a woman with long hair. I've managed to put enough product in it and comb my fingers through that its manageable. Need to secure another one before it gets too out of control.

It happens to be Dhanteras, a very auspicious time to purchase gold as the festival season is in full swing in preparation for Diwali.

I'm picked up by Ravi and his dad and we are taken to where his mom and sister are waiting. We start looking at gold chains to see what I like and I'm told its for the marriage day when the groom ties the mangalsutra. After seeing a few trays brought out, I short listed a few and the one I liked seemed to have had a defect. With no apology from the shop worker, we decide to move on for greener pastures.

The only way to describe this day for me in a truly American fashion is its like Black Friday sales, but just for gold. It's considered very lucky to buy gold on this day so everyone and their mother, literally, are out buying gold.

Our car driver dodges traffic like a pro and we get down at a place called Kazhana. We wait and try to elbow and push ourselves in line to see the selections and the same people who were climbing over us in the last store are there ahead of us. This time we look at the mangalsutra that the bride wears, if I recall correctly 16 days after the marriage and its basically a necklace akin to the American wedding ring. It's a more manageable design. We see one tray and I keep aside one necklace.

We ask "Raju" to see another and Ravi's mom's and my finger collide as we point at the same necklace. It seems we have the same taste a bit in jewelry. Its fantastic and I felt like this piece picked me when I saw it on my neck. Stunning. We decide to take it. First purchase in Hyderabad. Unfortunately this shop didn't take cards so we had to quickly get cash from an atm, but its managed.

The whole shopping experience took 2-3 hours, most of it just waiting in the one shop. I am not sure if I was allowed to take pictures in the shop so I was a little sneaky about it with my phone.

I was dropped back at home and Ravi's mom was excited to share our purchase with the aunties here. They all seemed to like the design and I felt very happy.  A nice way to end the evening and rest up for more shopping on Day 2.